How to Gain Weight FAST!
Sugar: Eat Lots of Sugar
Aim for the real garbage. Focus on stuff that is sold in plastic bags at gas stations or convenience stores and don't worry about expiration dates cause these goods can never go bad. I'm talking circus peanuts, 'Little Debbies', 64-ounce fountain drinks, licorice, cotton candy and any of a hundred candy bars sold in plastic wrappers. If price is a big issue you may want to consider tapping directly into the motherlode and simply purchase a five, ten or even twenty five pound bag of granulated sugar and either spoon it directly into your mouth or simply eat from the sack, "feed-bag" style. But however you get it, eat lots of sugar.
Never Eat Breakfast
Food in the morning makes you lose weight. Just say no. If you find yourself weakening and you must eat in the morning, do it Hugh-Heffner style and have Coke or a Pepsi.
Try to have your biggest meal of the day right before bed. Better yet, have it IN bed. Go all out too. Tuck a bag of fast food under each arm, balance a super-sized Coke between your knees, lay back and shovel it in. Make sure that vermin like dogs or cats are kept at bay lest they scavenge a few precious scraps of your Ranch Cheeseburger while you're busy eating a fried pie.
Try to never sleep well. If indigestion won't keep you awake, then try leaving open beverage containers in bed with you. Chances are that as you fall asleep you'll knock at least one of them over and soak yourself and your bedding in cold sugary water. Finally, if all else fails, sleep in bed with pets, especially large flatulent canines.
Nature is Evil
Before you put it in your mouth, ask yourself a simple question: "Does this food in any way resemble something from nature?" If it does, if it contains even the tiniest amount of fiber or vitamin, if the color is anything but pure white, if it lacks the glossy sheen of a plastic automobile part, don't eat it. Take no chances.
Exercise: Only to eat.
Everyone knows that exercise interferes with weight gain, that's a no-brainer. The hard part is managing to eat horribly without moving too much in the process. Again, think feed-bag here. Finally, beware writhing. No matter how much pain you might feel after downing a quarter-pounder with fries, half a sack of pork rinds an a cheesecake, lie still!
No pain no gain baby!
Comment from Dr. Holland: I hope it is obvious that this in not supposed to be serious, but funny. I'm pretty sure it's not seriously funny.